Hi, it's Kai

delusion is when you think you're right, even though it's so obvious that you're wrong

how can that be?

maybe it's... when you want something so badly, that it doesn't matter that the it's all stacked against you,

you'll will it into existence—it feels like you have to.

i've been delusional once or twice—

okay, maybe a couple of hundred times.

i make a bet on something that i cannot see, something i don't fully understand.

something that i feel a type of way about.

and—i bank on it.

but the problem is—us humans, we're not particularly good at being rational about our feelings.

even though sometimes we like to pretend that we are.

so many decisions happen "just because"—

because something was said a certain way the other day,

or because someone was looking at us a certain way,

sometimes just because someone woke up and... felt like it was time.

and so it seems to me like only a madman would place a bet on their feelings.

and yet sometimes i do.

and i don't think that i'm the only one; i think a lot of us do.

maybe a lot of us are crazy.

imagine that—a world with a bunch of crazy people walking around.

people who bicker with other people for no reason.

people who make promises that they can't keep.

people to whom you can give your heart away, and they'll probably give it back to you in pieces.

no, suffice it to say—you should never date a crazy person.

because crazy people place bets on their feelings—

and sometimes feelings change.

sometimes people don't know what they want in the beginning, i mean—did any of you?

so maybe it's better just to be—normal.

to place bets on sure things, solid things; at least more solid than a feeling!

to close my heart to the world, and just—forget about the dreams of what might be possible,

to live in a cocoon of my own making.

but... would that be any real way to live?

with this one shot that i get, at living?

i dunno. it doesn't seem right.

it doesn't seem like the kind of life that i'd look back on longingly and say, "that—was a life fully lived."

and so i guess the only other way of doing this, is—to get better at being crazy.

and to be okay with everything that comes with it.

to love fully, and to hurt fully.

to understand that feelings are fickle, and feelings change—

and yet the most beautiful moments in life, are often the fleeting ones.

to say to yourself:

it's okay that i'm scared.

i was already scared yesterday, and i'll still be scared tomorrow.

it's okay that sometimes i'm sad.

i have good people in my life now, and they'll still be around tomorrow.

it's okay that sometimes i'm delusional.

because yesterday things seemed hopeless, and honestly, maybe even the day before that.

but i'm crazy, and i know it—and i'm going to bank on the fact that feelings do indeed change.

that things look brighter tomorrow.