Hi, it's Kai

yesterday i took a trip to the edge of reality and back, and i learned a lot along the way.

it started with me deciding that i needed to take some time to “deal with myself”. i had been running away from myself for some time now; i was working nonstop on my business, volunteering, going out and meeting people—anything to fill up my time so that i didn’t have to deal with myself.

but doing this had consequences. i spent a lot of time chasing for the affections of others; i was hooked on trying to get others to love me. at the time, i didn’t understand why this was happening; i just knew that it was a thing, and that it was pretty problematic.

and so yesterday i decided to deal with it. i took some medicine, sat down, and waited to feel a type of way. it took a bit, but eventually my feelings started to shift. and thoughts started to flow, like a stream of consciousness that had been corked up for a long long time, had finally been uncorked. my inner voice started to come back.

and among many other things, i learned that:

• life is just a big attention (mis-)management problem that im really bad at (which is what makes it fun)
• when we focus our awareness/attention on something, we make that thing more important: we make it matter, by focusing on it. we vote with our attention, for what happens next; what we want more of.
• my awareness/attention works in a loop. i’ll observe my environment, plan for the future, think about work, think about other people, and then back to the original thing. like my attention goes around making sure “i’m not dropping the ball too hard” on any one thing.
• for a long time, my “self” (my comfort, my emotions, my well-being), was not being paid any attention to. it has not been part of my loop, by default.

the answer to my desperation for love turned out to be pretty obvious. i just need to make “spending time thinking about myself” a bigger part of my loop. i needed more representation, to myself. i needed my well-being to matter more. and i wasn’t doing that before. i wasn’t voting for myself with my attention/awareness. and i need to. because if i don’t vote for me, i am saying that i don’t count, that i don’t get to matter. that i’m dead to myself, because those that are dead do not get to vote for what counts, because their time ran out.

and so if i want to live fully, i need to like being myself. a lot. everything is sort of an extension of whether or not i like being me. of being Kai, of inhabiting this body. that i’d rather be me than be dead. that i want to be here, that being here is good, and that while i still have the power to vote for what counts, i’ll vote for being here and being Kai with my attention and awareness.

oh, and also—a bit of a tangent, i know—but it would be really nice to have more sex. i’m normally very good at being embarrassed (ashamed?) about sex. about the fact that SOMETIMES I FEEL/WANT THINGS. but honestly, i gotta stop doing that. sex is fun! and also kinda scary, but i think that’s the point. i also defs want to write more about what fun is, why humour is fun, and why sex is fun (for the same reason humour is fun), in the next episode. i think it has to do with something about ‘dipping into the unknown’, and coming back safely. but i definitely need to word my understandings about that better.

also yeah! it would be a pleasure to write more. this piece isn’t perfect, but at least i’m starting :)