Hi, it's Kai

i want to feel great, but my soul is already crushed

i want to matter, but i feel oh so small and insignificant

i want to be love, but i cannot tolerate the feelings that surface when i am not loved in return

i want to raise the hope and wonder of the world, but i cannot even raise my own

i want to bring light to others, but my own flame has been doused

i want, but do not have.

i want, but do not have.

i have nothing.

...

deep down i dream, deep down i desire

but my desire hurts me, it cuts like a knife

am i good enough to inherit this world? am i worthy? how do i vote for myself, when others wouldn't do the same?

when the people i look up to so much, can barely muster a glance at me before they turn and look the other way?

it feels like for forever, the world has shown me that i'm not good enough.

and i believed it. it seemed true

so can it really be the case, that being good enough starts simply with me saying so?

but what if i'm not? what if it feels wrong for me to matter

maybe this is why i've been chasing love so much.

to just get like one person to vote for me in a big way.

to show me that i’m not delusional. that i can make a difference; that i can matter.

but i guess i can’t be doing that anymore. i gotta be strong on my own.

i have to find the strength to hold my own crazy; to say that i matter when no-one else does; to believe my own dreams; to trust my own goodness.

even if i feel, every day, like i’m a monster.

i wonder if there are others like me.

others that are broken, cut up inside; monsters waiting to become human

if there are others like me, perhaps i can find them. perhaps i can reach them before it’s too late.

perhaps that is how i begin to redeem my soul.