Hi, it's Kai

Yesterday, I had a moment. I was calling a friend, a friend I was really close with, who I have had a lot of cozy romantic moments with in the past. We were never really dating; I suppose it was clear to us that we weren’t really the right people to be life partners for each other. But we cared a lot about each other, and had a lot of love for each other, and ended up sharing quite a few intimate nights with each other over the past year.

And so I was calling her, expressing to her how much I was looking forward to spending more time with her when I came back to Toronto—in my head, I was picturing those nights we spent with her curled up around me, remembering all the warmth and the affection we shared. It had been a while since I shared that kind of intimacy with someone, and I was longing for more of those moments with her.

And then I asked how things were going with that guy that she had started seeing a while ago. The one that she was going out with, but not quite dating yet.

She said that things were good! That a couple of days ago, he had asked if they could be dating, for realsies. And she said “not yet!” at first, but he convinced that nothing would change, and it wouldn’t be as scary as she imagined! And so they decided to give it a shot.

And time slowed down for me, as it does whenever something ‘emotionally big’ happens. My emotions shifted in front of me, and a mixture of grief and… surrender? relief? washed over me. For some reason, this was a big deal.

I told her, in a playful-false-excited way, that this would change things for us. She agreed, a bit solemnly. She asked if I would still be down to hang out with her, and I said of course. Ultimately, I am happy for her. Of course I am having a horrid gut-wrenching moment, but that does not mean I am not happy about this too, in some strange surreal way. This is what I wanted for her. I loved her, but I am not meant to be her person. And that’s okay. That’s just how life goes. Life is complicated. Love is complicated.

I told her that I had to go—I was almost at my destination. She understood what I was really trying to say—that I was about to get too emotional. I ended the call.

And time picked back up for me. I was back in the world now. But things were different now. The call lasted only 10 minutes, but in the span of those 10 minutes, reality had shifted for me. The world was different now; I was different now. I lost something. A chapter had ended. It felt like some sort of emotional rope—a heartstring?—that anchored me to the reality I lived in, had been severed. It felt like in those 10 minutes, I had aged 10 months; that there was 10 months of “difference” between who I was when I ended the call, and who I was when the call began.

All those other adventures I had been on, all year, hadn’t moved me like this phone call. Days, months worth of life experiences—all paled in comparison to the emotional impact of one conversation. How surreal it is, that in a life composed of so many minutes, only a few of them seem to really carry any weight. Only a few moments really, actually matter.

I had one of those moments yesterday, and it was equal parts incredible and terrifying. It made me feel truly alive. When I stepped off the bus to feed the homeless on the downtown eastside in Vancouver, I was a changed Kai.

And as intense as these moments are—as much as they scare the living daylights out of me—I can only hope that I have the courage to live a life where I can have a whole lot more of these. I want to feel like I’ve been living to the fullest of my capacity. That I’ve loved as much as I could, that I’ve been scared as much as I could, at least while keeping my wits about me. That I’ve felt as much as I could, during my short time on this planet as a human being.

I’d like to make the most of this life. To cherish each moment. All the ups, all the downs.

To make every minute count.

Thank you [REDACTED], for everything. For realsies. You’re a big deal to me, you matter to me, you made me feel warm inside when I desperately needed that. You made me count. And that’s fucking wild, that’s fucking incredible.

Thank you, to everyone, for everything. There’s still a long ways to ago, but I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for making me a part of this big play we’re all in. It’s a pleasure to play with you all.