Hi, it's Kai

Last night, I was dragged to a get-together.

I met so many people that I have not seen in a decade. People from my past. People I went to elementary school. People I thought I would never ever see again.

Seeing them made me feel all sorts of ways. Mostly, I realized… just how much shame I felt about the person I used to be—back when we actually knew each other. I realized just how much baggage I had from when I was little. I had wanted to run away from the person I was, and I’ve been running away for over a decade. From all the stupid things I did. All the hurt I caused. All the hurt I felt.

There was a moment when someone told me that my elementary school crush—my first crush ever—was there that night. I freaked out. My heart started racing. I was totally mortified; I wanted to get out of there. I became aware of just how ashamed I was about previously having feelings for her. I remembered the incredibly stupid things I did to try to get her attention. I remembered how hurt I was every time she rejected me. Every time it seemed like despite everything, I barely existed to her.

I began to understand how much the experiences I had when I was little, ended up impacting my self-esteem. How it shaped the way I saw myself. How it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. And like I couldn’t ever become good enough. Not enough for [REDACTED], not enough for my parents. Not enough for anyone. Not even myself.

The night felt like it lasted forever. It felt like I had just gone to the airport baggage claim and picked up like 7 bags that I didn’t even know were mine. New things to deal with I guess. I hope I can find a way to let go of all this stuff soon.